NOBODY DOES JUBILEE LIKE YOU, MA’AM

2012 cupcakes. 20 kilos of chocolate chips. 50 kilos of icing.

I got a bit wrapped up in Diamond Jubilee this weekend. I loved the interview on SKY with a Gehard Jenne, a German baker who spoke about his pixellated cupcake portrait of the famous ma’am.

That one will be edged with thousands of gingerbread cookies (that people can ice and then eat) for a diamanté frame effect. That’s the interactive cupcake portrait.

This wonderful tribute to the Queen is another. Made of 2012 cupcakes, it’s 6m X 6m and it was done by food artist Prudence Staite, who spent more than 300 hours on the artwork.

300 hours?

I love the obsessiveness. I so wish I had the time to make portraits of queens and things out of cookies.

One day.

‘Jewel’ – one of 300 colours by Midas Envirolite ZERO VOC paints

OH BE QUIET PLEASE.

‘Stillness’ – one of 300 colours by Midas Envirolite – ZERO VOC eco paint

Two things. If you want to take a photograph of something boring but potentially stunning – like a candle, for instance – you need Instagram. From tomorrow, I’m Instagramming. I’ve tried a few things already. My palms are sweating.

Second thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that lighting a candle at the end of the day, especially in winter, is a very nice thing to do. Essential, almost. Sorry if this sounds flaky, but it’s true. A flickering candle makes everything calm and pretty. People talk softer and behave better. If you want to take the softness thing a step further, flick the mains switch on your electricity board. Bring on the candles and make like the outtage is with you for the night. Bloody Eskom. The stillness that issues forth from dead computers, phones, televisions and Wii’s, is like a kind of music. The mains switch is a powerful trick.

BEFORE: VERTICAL GARDEN COMING SOON

The Rodding Eye: 'BEFORE'

What the?

They’re called rodding eyes. Plumbers wouldn’t be seen dead without them.

If you run into a couple of dozen of these widgets and they’re going begging, accept them with open arms.

Ya, I say hold onto your rodding eyes. buy a few plants, and get out your electric screwdriver and drill. Pick a pretty textured paint for the wall, and soon you could have a whole new vertical garden in the making.

Or something.

Art director Penny Waterkeyn and I worked out a crafty plan to make these unphotogenic bits of nothingness live a worthwhile life.

The AFTER shot will be on its way in a day or two.

They didn’t have a colour called Rodding Eye in the Envirolite palette, so Madness will have to do, for today.

Madness: one of 300 colours from the Midas Envirolite Zero VOC eco-wise paint range.